Long story. But I need it out of my head. :(

Holy moly!!! In a matter of months things went from stressful to absolutely completely out of control. We are trying our hardest to do everything that we can for my brothers situation but it is extremely hard on us, so we are going to do it as long as we can. With no financial help or anything and just taking on multiple kids (on top of our two and being pregnant) its rough. But they are loving it here and loving the attention that they are not used to getting so its rewarding at the end of the day. This whole situation with my brother makes my heart ache. I was once this child that wondered where home was? Wondered who loved me? Wondered why I got the Mom and Dad I got? So its all really emotionally hard for me to even think that I could turn them away no matter how broke or stressed we are, LOVE IS FREE, and I more then anyone understand that. My situation when I was young is pretty much being repeated right now by him and its not surprising its what he has seen and learned from, someone will always pick up the pieces when you get weak when it comes to a few certain people in my family. JD and I are struggling with this in alot of ways, we do not understand how the hell someone can do certain things, and then again, and again and again! The cycle HAS to end, or you end it for them??!! Right? We feel its not right for someone to take advantage of us, our money or our kind heart. If we choose we will raise these kids, why would we do this without legal rights??? Well this same thing happened to me. I was 11 when I moved in with my aunt and uncle, my mother and father up and left. They would come by like once a year or something but I had so much hatred for them I got physically ill when I would see them. My parents also REFUSED to sign over any rights for my aunt to have control or assistance from the state, so she and my uncle just dealt with the hard time and made sure I was loved. It changed my life. I love my Aunt more then words can express. I now understand how difficult it was. But when I was 16 my Mom found out that if she had me living with her that her child support would go up to 450 a month. So...at that point I was for once in my life getting about a 3.8 gpa, had a boyfriend Josh who I was with for 3 years, just got a job at Kirts in North Ogden, and trying out for Fremont Cheerleading. I got home one day it was in the summer, it was just Josh and I and Vonnie came downstairs and said there is nothing she could do to stop it but I was going to have to go back and live with my mom. MY WORLD WAS CRUSHED. I knew what was going to happen, I had no doubt in my mind this was about money so I asked her, she said yes the child support will go up and she needs it right now, I am sorry there is nothing I will do things will be fine. Things WERE NOT fine. My life crumbled each and everyday. I got back with her and it was horrible. I hated everything about her, she didnt fool me, I saw right through the bullshit. The only good thing that came out of my situation with her is that god sent JD my way and things worked out for us to be together even if I didnt do it the way I "should" of. No one knows me, they didnt know what I was actually into, they would kiss JDs feet knowing the horrible things he saved me from and gave me reason for living at that point. So here I am at this point in my life with my brothers kids...thinking, I was that kid who was ripped away from what I loved all because nothing legal went of it. So WHY WHY WHY would I allow this to happen to my beautiful neices? I wouldnt. I refuse to do this long term just for that reason. They are not going to live here and get a happy life then get ripped right away when it benefits their selfish father. But then on the other side I am in the minds of the little sweet babies, I know the sadness they are going through and if I can save them from even just a portion of that life I would want to. But its not easy for me either, why does he think that when its hard he can just up and leave?? This is killing me inside. I do not know what to do. I would love to just do this temp but whos to say this is not going to turn into a year, two, three? Its hard enough being pregnant with all the hormones raging, then to add this I am honestly a mess. Mentally and Physically right now. I have thought about how if I wouldnt have even tried to have a baby that I could just do all this and there wouldnt be a problem, but that thought makes me feel horrible. I am popping out kids..but I am TAKING care of those kids so I am allowed to have another if I please. But the thought of just not being pregnant with my third this whole process would be so much easier. But this is my girl, this is my last, this is MY BABY. I feel like my family and I are missing out on a very important stage in our life that we should be focusing on more, yet we are unable to with all the craziness. The sad thing is the kids are little angels and mind way good, its the adults, they are drama, selfish, gossip, and plain difficult. I am being the bad guy in my family because I wont just take them and shut my mouth. I want a timeline, I want to know when this is going to end, I want to know who is going to help with groceries when we are out of food. This would all be different right now if we were able to have JD just work some extra overtime, but with him not working he is unable to. We are getting Workers Comp, but this is killing him not being able to provide for them. But I am sad to see him feel like these three girls are his responisibility, they are not, he is just a good guy. I am at the point in my life where I have watched my brother fool everyone. However he is finally catching on that JD and I ARE NOT FOOLS. He called and asked if he and his girlfriend could stay with us since they know our house is big enough for them with no problem, but all JD could say is "I am a Man, and I know these girls deserve better so I will take them no matter how hard or rough or difficult it gets. You and your girlfriend just go have your fun, one day you will turn into a man and figure it all out" (mind you he is 30). Its hard to turn your brother away when you know he has nowhere to go. Everyone is telling him no. He is living in a motel with his girlfriend and he will learn this is not a way to live. We have all told him yes for too long, now we all understand we have to break the cycle. So the way it goes long term is up to him. Sad situation, but you just have to keep pushing through.

ITS A GIRL!!!

So we found out today that we will be having our grilly finally. We are sooo excited, JD is slightly more excited then me at the moment due to people freaking me out about girly attitudes and whinyness, I know as soon as I start buying stuff this will come to an end. lol. I am really excited though, this is exactly all we need to shut me up and I will definatley not need anymore kids. haha. I thought that right when I got pregnant, then I kept thinking but wait a second, what the heck would I do if it was another boy and I never had a girl??? I would have definatly thought about a fourth a few years down the line again. So we are super excited to call this good. :). I am so far actually feeling better, for the most part, my food is not staying down very well at night, but other then that my energy is back and things are good. We have my little neice here for a bit..not sure if its going to be permanent or not, but we are helping out my brother who is struggling to be a single father and so we have offered to take in little one year old Maddy. We love her like our own children and she is melting JDs heart every second she is with him, so I think Casey is going to have to beg for her back. lol. She is such a great little baby tho, she is loving being here with our boys and having the little attention that she needs. We are happy to help no matter what this outcome may be, so for now we are just enjoying her one day at a time. Then JD finds out on June 2 weather or not he will have surgery on his shoulder, the surgeon says yes so I am pretty sure they are going to, this Physical therapy was just a workmans comp requirement. And Kaydens school year is coming to an end. I cannot believe my babe is going to be going to second grade, he is such a good little guy and we are so proud of him. He made me a Mothers Day Calendar at school and his face lite up when I opened it. Little things that make a mama's heart melt. :) I love my boys more then anything in the world, and no matter what they put me through during the day, which is usually a TON lol, I love to just walk in after they fall asleep and give them a smooch and whisper I love them. I treasure every day with them and cant wait to share their little sister with them soon. They are both so excited, I think Ryker is just because he see's Kayden, but still its so dang cute. haha. I am so thankful for my awesome husband who does anything and everything for me and the boys, and Maddy at the time, and dont know what I would do without them. :) Now...onto deciding what to decorate the babys room in........hhhmmm, PINK! YAY!!!